Tags
award, blue pill, brain dead, depression, doctor, doorman, fucked upness, medication, mental-health, morpheus, plotting, postaday, rabbit hole, red pill, the matrix, zombie
Dear Readers,
I was never very good at comebacks.
I always knew exactly what to say or what I would have said afterwards, but never at the time. Then I think about the situation and decide, “IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO BADASS HAD I SAID ‘Blah diddley blah diddley blah,’ AND JUST WALKED AWAY!”
I am one of those.
However, when you’re ready with the comeback, it’s too late so you have to wait until next time a similar insult is directed at you. At Amber’s wonderful suggestion of plotting against the doorman, I have carefully selected some comebacks for the next time he asks me, “November, do you know that you are getting fat?”
1) Did you call your house yet? I heard your child is missing.
2) Did you look in the mirror this morning?
3) Do you know that your wife is sleeping with the night shift doorman?
4) I’m not surprised. Just the sight of you makes me feel bloated.
5) *Evil eye silent glare*
Now as for plotting against the doorman, the only awful thing I can think of to do to him is to collect Lunatic’s poo for a couple of days and store it in ziplock bags to keep it fresh. When I have enough then I’ll scatter it about the front of the building during the darkest hours of the night. Lunatic’s poo is potent I tell you. It reeks to high heaven.
That is all I have for now, but I am open to suggestions.
As for my new pills – I have now been put on 300 mg of Seroquel a day while my antidepressant has been reduced yet again.
It has very pretty turquoise packaging.
I thought that since the 50 mg pill is salmon pink then maybe the 300 mg pill would be the same color as the packaging and we all know that you must always choose the blue pill because blue pills are good and red pills take you into the rabbit hole.
As I am already in the rabbit hole, blue pills, I believe, are the way to go. Also, because Morpheus says so.
The pill is a boring white and now my pillbox is rather colorless and unexciting.
What is absolutely fun about the 300 mg is that the past two days I have woken up brain dead and very slow. I can’t complete thoughts, can’t put on my clothes, can’t remember my name (ok just kidding) but you know what I mean…I feel like something is gripping my brain in certain spots.
What is even more fun is that on day one the kids needed directions to get somewhere and somehow managed to get me into the car with them. Let’s just say a trip that should have taken about an hour, took the entire day because they were listening to my doped up directions while I giggled in the back seat.
I know this morning brain deadness will stop happening soon (a week or so I am told) and it sort of wears off some time around 5 pm, so I am going to take advantage of it.
Love always,
November
FYI. This post took two days to finish. Yes. THAT brain dead.
PS. Thank you Amber for the award 
I am going to put them all together in one housekeeping post ASAP.
so to do a proper potting of the door mans fate, I need some back ground.
Every country has different rules and all. Is boiling in oil still allowed? Tar and feathering is just so messy.
Can you put on a pair of Deliciously pointed heels and by accident step on his foot? Then get all nervous and twist back and forth in a panicky sort of way.
wait, put some crazy glue on a coin and hand it to him as a tip for his outstanding service. or just give him your gum… you know not the one in the package.
you could look frustrated glance at the sky and mumble.. oh lord please dont let me eat another door man…..
or go in and out.. for a half an hour or so.. tell him you are working out, he has to get the door right?
Oh, I do hope the brain dead thingy goes away in a few more days…I remember how the numby what’s going on feeling is like…well sort of. And then immediately thinking … wait…what was I thinking?
Anyway, other potential come-backs to the question/statement, ‘November, do you know that you are getting fat?’
• No I didn’t, but thanks for pointing that out to me. I’ll have to write a letter to your employer letting them know how observant you are and how much I appreciate your candidness.
• Oh it’s not really me, you must be noticing the added weight of the gun I am wearing.
• If I were on the moon I’d actually weigh less as weight is relative to the planet you’re on. Unlike tact or intelligence. (Then just give him a long smiley stare.)
• Oh yes (nod emphatically). Me and (name someone who is downright mean in your building) are having a contest to see who can gain more in a month. (Then rush and tell this other person that the doorman made a rude comment to you about gaining weight.)
As to other plottings against the
dorkmandoorman …1) There’s the standard ordering of a pizza and having it delivered to him so he has to pay for it. Just in case, get something he totally hates.
2) ‘Accidentally’ drop a folded note as you rush out. When he picks it up to look at it, have something written down like, ’The doorman called me fat. Buy a piece of cake and lace it with a diaretic. If thatdoesn’t work, think of something else.’ Then bring him a normal piece of cake, which he will toss, but then will be forever on the watch.
3) ‘Accidentally’ drop lots of glitter by the doorway. That would be totally annoying haha.
4) Do a make believe sneeze directly onto the door handle. As you make believe, secretly spew spittle at it so it looks like you sneezed nose yucks (ewww … I learnt this from my daughter by the way), then walk out.
Ohhh … bullets AND lists. *more gurgly sounds*
Mostly though…besides those things above … be nice to yourself. Some meds make you gain weight (some make you lose) … so its not permanent. Or if it is a little more long term, then move! It’ll do two things…help you lose the weight if you need to lose … AND more importantly, it will help with your well being *smiles*
Hugggerrrsss